The end of 2012

     I feel it today, right now, this need to  write... a need to wrap up my thoughts of 2012, even though it's not yet Christmas.  I began the year feeling twisted in knots.  I felt burdened by the things I felt God calling me to do- things that were not happening, nor could I see them in the future.  I thought these ideas I had were from God, so why were they not coming into being?  My life felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes (which didn't entirely fit).  I began to realize that I was spending too much time and energy trying to figure it out and/or make it happen.  So I decided to start 2012 with a blank slate.  To let God write the story He wanted, since I seemed to have gotten it all wrong, or maybe I had just hijacked His plan and ran with it (like Abraham, who heard God's plan for a child, and then decided to make it happen by sleeping with his wife's handmaiden). 
     We have a tradition of writing out a gift for Jesus each year, a sort of New Year's resolution, with the goal of doing something for God in the upcoming year.  We fold up these pieces of our heart and place them in the Jesus stocking until the next year.  Here is what I wrote last December:
    "Here is my blank slate... for 2012, each day, I want to give You a blank slate that You will fill in.  For too long I have stewed and fretted or not even thought about (one extreme or the other) what You would want me to do.  I lay down my plans, hopes, dreams, fears, whatever I want or don't want.  Please cause me to obey You, no matter what... to hear Your voice and Your leading...to love You wholeheartedly and to completely follow Your way of truth.  Please God, make it so.  I love you!  Happy Birthday!  Love, Cindy"
     This plan of having a blank slate ended up being a painful one, a ripping process that has yet to be mended.  I am still not sure what God is going to write on my slate, but this last year has definitely been about wiping the old one clean.  I find myself slightly discouraged by it all, but I read some sweet words today from Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts), whose blog is like a balm for my soul (aholyexperience.com).  She writes, "And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence- and He withholds no good thing from us because life's good things aren't ever things."  Not my plans, but His presence.  Ultimately what I want is more God, and as Ann wrote today, more God is always available.
     To close, a quote from Michael Yaconelli (Dangerous Wonder): "I wonder how many times a day our Father tries to get our attention, tries to quiet us long enough so we can hear His whisper.  Many of us grew up believing that every time Jesus is close to us, He wants us to do something: read your Bible more, pray more, share your faith more, go to church more.  How would it change your view of Jesus if you believed He doesn't want You to do anything- He just wants to be close to you?"