I had planned on writing an Easter blog. Well, Easter was over a couple of weeks ago. Sigh. Maybe someday I'll be a real blogger. I guess it's fitting that I'm ending Easter late since I entered the Easter season already behind. Somehow it snuck up on me and I didn't even realize the Lenten season had started until I saw people walking around town with ashes on their forehead, bearing the sins that I had not even thought to confront in my own life. And it continued like that, with me rushing through life while looking for a hand hold of something deeper to grab on to. I tried to come up with a plan, of some way to make the Easter season meaningful for me and for my family. I looked for interesting activities on the internet, asked friend for ideas, kept my eye out for special Easter worship events. But I came to the realization that Easter isn't about me or about what special faith experiences I wanted to have or wanted to orchestrate for my family. How would God want me to celebrate Easter? What would honor Him?
I think God would want me to worship Him. I think He would want me to serve Him by serving others. I was too late to get in on the service opportunities our church was involved in on Good Friday, but next year I need to make that my plan. I need to start with pleasing God first and not with what I want to get out of Easter for myself. It's so easy to couch it all in spiritual terms. I was just looking to get closer to God after all. But at the heart of it all was just an attitude that focused on me and not on God. Like the night I took the kids to a tenebrae service while Eric was out of town. When we were leaving the house I prayed that God would make this a meaningful time for me and for the kids, that the service would be a meaningful experience. And then I caught myself, thinking of myself again.
Why didn't I pray that I would worship in a way that would please God? That the Lord would reveal my sin, that I would hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, that I would have a pure heart to praise the Lord, that I could worship in spirit and truth?
I have come to realize that much of my thoughts focus on me, even when I am supposedly focusing on God. I am much more steeped in selfishness than I ever realized. Too often I look for spirtual growth that will "feel good" for me. Maybe that's why I can't persevere in prayer and why I get distracted in church. It's not really about what is interesting or meaningful or inspirational to me. What pleases God? Shouldn't everything start there? I know that sometimes we need encouragement or just a sense of God's presence to comfort us. But I think I get too caught up in what I need sometimes, like a two year old who looks to the parent for only what their childhish heart wants. I long for the change in me that will cause my first thought to be of the Lord, not myself. May the Holy Spirit so transform me that I will consider myself secondary. Oh Lord, make it so.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
There are no shortcuts
Growing up in Wisconsin, I walked to school everyday. The trip was about a mile and half, not far enough to be bused to school. I walked in rain, below zero temperatures, and several inches of snow. And yes, there were some hills involved too. The only thing that made the 7:00 a.m. walk bearable was doing it with my friends and taking shortcuts to make it faster. We were always cutting through yards and parks and parking lots to make our way shorter. Being in Pittsburgh now, I find that I don't use shortcuts much anymore. I get lost too easily, so I stick to my tried and true paths, that one way that I know to get somewhere, even if it's not the fastest.
I am learning that there aren't shortcuts for the really important journeys. I can't have a good marriage or strong friendships or connectedness with my kids, by doing the minimum. There's not a shortcut to get where I want to be with them. Nor is there a shortcut to gaining maturity in my faith. I started off the year doing some fasting (a spiritual practice being practiced by someone very unspiritual). I thought it would be a good way to set my focus on God for the year and get my priorities in shape. I did some reading to prepare, and everyone had glowing reports of their mountain top experiences with the Lord and how they had never felt closer to God. For me? Not so much.
It was a good experience and God did use it to mature me, but it wasn't all this holy wonder that I was hoping for. However, I know that I did not spend enough time with God, as though the fasting would somehow make up for it. In the end, here's what I discoverd...there's no shortcut to spirtual maturity. I can't fast my way to a shorter path. Jesus said, "if anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me," Luke 9:23. There is a dailyness to our journey. An everyday waking up and setting God up first in my life. An everyday decision to do the pick and shovel work.
Jesus didn't take any shortcuts either. He didn't skip the annoying birth and growing up experiences of youth, by just appearing here one day as a man. He didn't skip that whole 40 days of fasting and temptation. He didn't skip the years of teaching and miracles and tiredness and hunger. He didn't bypass the cross by taking the shortcuts that satan offered Him. Jesus knew what I'm attempting to know: there are no shortcuts... just joy for the journey.
I am learning that there aren't shortcuts for the really important journeys. I can't have a good marriage or strong friendships or connectedness with my kids, by doing the minimum. There's not a shortcut to get where I want to be with them. Nor is there a shortcut to gaining maturity in my faith. I started off the year doing some fasting (a spiritual practice being practiced by someone very unspiritual). I thought it would be a good way to set my focus on God for the year and get my priorities in shape. I did some reading to prepare, and everyone had glowing reports of their mountain top experiences with the Lord and how they had never felt closer to God. For me? Not so much.
It was a good experience and God did use it to mature me, but it wasn't all this holy wonder that I was hoping for. However, I know that I did not spend enough time with God, as though the fasting would somehow make up for it. In the end, here's what I discoverd...there's no shortcut to spirtual maturity. I can't fast my way to a shorter path. Jesus said, "if anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me," Luke 9:23. There is a dailyness to our journey. An everyday waking up and setting God up first in my life. An everyday decision to do the pick and shovel work.
Jesus didn't take any shortcuts either. He didn't skip the annoying birth and growing up experiences of youth, by just appearing here one day as a man. He didn't skip that whole 40 days of fasting and temptation. He didn't skip the years of teaching and miracles and tiredness and hunger. He didn't bypass the cross by taking the shortcuts that satan offered Him. Jesus knew what I'm attempting to know: there are no shortcuts... just joy for the journey.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
A new word for a new year
Well, it's been a while. Maybe I'm not a blogger after all? I know I missed writing about the new year when I shoud have, in January, but I thought I'd get some thoughts off before we enter March. There are a few blogs that I read regularly and I was surprised that they all seemed to have the same New Year's theme. Each author picked a word to focus on in the new year; a word that God had placed on their hearts to guide and define all they would do in 2013. After some thinking and praying, I think my word is Action.
Perhaps not the way you would think though. It's not that I am going to be so active, as in doing a lot of things for God. It's more about "putting into action". I've been putting some roots in the book of James this year, which has some very telling verses about action. James 1:22-25: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be blessed in what he does.
I wonder how long I have been deceiving myself? Just reading the word and letting it pour out of me like some kind of sieve. Have I really put the word into action? Have I really loved my neighbor as myself, sacrifically given to the poor, submitted to my husband, had love that was not proud or self-seeking? Have I really not gossiped and not shown favoritism, observed the sabbath, kept my heart pure, taken every thought captive?
So how do I now suddenly become this great practicer, not a simple reader any longer, of the word? I think God gave me a hint in I Peter 1:13: "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." Before I can jump into action I need to get my mind ready. This will involve the "pick and shovel" work (as my pastor says) of being in the scriptures daily. That is the only way he says, that a foundation can be dug. This is not my strong suit. The daily "grind" of disicplined behavior is always a struggle for me. My friend defined attitude as "a consistency of behavior". I need a better attitude! That is where the self-controlled part comes in, which I lack in spades. Thankfully this is a fruit of the Spirit. I am praying for Him to develop this in my life, with each daily choice that is surrounded by prayer. But the day in, day out long term scope of this discourages me. I think that's why Peter calls us to set our hope on grace, which Jesus gives us. In the inevitable failure or weariness, there is grace. His commands are not burdensome, in Him is rest. The very thing which seems like work to me, is the very thing which will release my soul from all that drags me down.
That is my plan for putting the word into action. I don't know what I'll actually do because as Casting Crowns sings, I often "lose my follow-through between the altar and the door". But in the process of thinking about it and praying, maybe my mind can be prepared for action, and maybe, just maybe, I can become a doer of the word. That would be God's action.
Perhaps not the way you would think though. It's not that I am going to be so active, as in doing a lot of things for God. It's more about "putting into action". I've been putting some roots in the book of James this year, which has some very telling verses about action. James 1:22-25: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be blessed in what he does.
I wonder how long I have been deceiving myself? Just reading the word and letting it pour out of me like some kind of sieve. Have I really put the word into action? Have I really loved my neighbor as myself, sacrifically given to the poor, submitted to my husband, had love that was not proud or self-seeking? Have I really not gossiped and not shown favoritism, observed the sabbath, kept my heart pure, taken every thought captive?
So how do I now suddenly become this great practicer, not a simple reader any longer, of the word? I think God gave me a hint in I Peter 1:13: "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." Before I can jump into action I need to get my mind ready. This will involve the "pick and shovel" work (as my pastor says) of being in the scriptures daily. That is the only way he says, that a foundation can be dug. This is not my strong suit. The daily "grind" of disicplined behavior is always a struggle for me. My friend defined attitude as "a consistency of behavior". I need a better attitude! That is where the self-controlled part comes in, which I lack in spades. Thankfully this is a fruit of the Spirit. I am praying for Him to develop this in my life, with each daily choice that is surrounded by prayer. But the day in, day out long term scope of this discourages me. I think that's why Peter calls us to set our hope on grace, which Jesus gives us. In the inevitable failure or weariness, there is grace. His commands are not burdensome, in Him is rest. The very thing which seems like work to me, is the very thing which will release my soul from all that drags me down.
That is my plan for putting the word into action. I don't know what I'll actually do because as Casting Crowns sings, I often "lose my follow-through between the altar and the door". But in the process of thinking about it and praying, maybe my mind can be prepared for action, and maybe, just maybe, I can become a doer of the word. That would be God's action.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The end of 2012
I feel it today, right now, this need to write... a need to wrap up my thoughts of 2012, even though it's not yet Christmas. I began the year feeling twisted in knots. I felt burdened by the things I felt God calling me to do- things that were not happening, nor could I see them in the future. I thought these ideas I had were from God, so why were they not coming into being? My life felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes (which didn't entirely fit). I began to realize that I was spending too much time and energy trying to figure it out and/or make it happen. So I decided to start 2012 with a blank slate. To let God write the story He wanted, since I seemed to have gotten it all wrong, or maybe I had just hijacked His plan and ran with it (like Abraham, who heard God's plan for a child, and then decided to make it happen by sleeping with his wife's handmaiden).
We have a tradition of writing out a gift for Jesus each year, a sort of New Year's resolution, with the goal of doing something for God in the upcoming year. We fold up these pieces of our heart and place them in the Jesus stocking until the next year. Here is what I wrote last December:
"Here is my blank slate... for 2012, each day, I want to give You a blank slate that You will fill in. For too long I have stewed and fretted or not even thought about (one extreme or the other) what You would want me to do. I lay down my plans, hopes, dreams, fears, whatever I want or don't want. Please cause me to obey You, no matter what... to hear Your voice and Your leading...to love You wholeheartedly and to completely follow Your way of truth. Please God, make it so. I love you! Happy Birthday! Love, Cindy"
This plan of having a blank slate ended up being a painful one, a ripping process that has yet to be mended. I am still not sure what God is going to write on my slate, but this last year has definitely been about wiping the old one clean. I find myself slightly discouraged by it all, but I read some sweet words today from Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts), whose blog is like a balm for my soul (aholyexperience.com). She writes, "And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence- and He withholds no good thing from us because life's good things aren't ever things." Not my plans, but His presence. Ultimately what I want is more God, and as Ann wrote today, more God is always available.
To close, a quote from Michael Yaconelli (Dangerous Wonder): "I wonder how many times a day our Father tries to get our attention, tries to quiet us long enough so we can hear His whisper. Many of us grew up believing that every time Jesus is close to us, He wants us to do something: read your Bible more, pray more, share your faith more, go to church more. How would it change your view of Jesus if you believed He doesn't want You to do anything- He just wants to be close to you?"
We have a tradition of writing out a gift for Jesus each year, a sort of New Year's resolution, with the goal of doing something for God in the upcoming year. We fold up these pieces of our heart and place them in the Jesus stocking until the next year. Here is what I wrote last December:
"Here is my blank slate... for 2012, each day, I want to give You a blank slate that You will fill in. For too long I have stewed and fretted or not even thought about (one extreme or the other) what You would want me to do. I lay down my plans, hopes, dreams, fears, whatever I want or don't want. Please cause me to obey You, no matter what... to hear Your voice and Your leading...to love You wholeheartedly and to completely follow Your way of truth. Please God, make it so. I love you! Happy Birthday! Love, Cindy"
This plan of having a blank slate ended up being a painful one, a ripping process that has yet to be mended. I am still not sure what God is going to write on my slate, but this last year has definitely been about wiping the old one clean. I find myself slightly discouraged by it all, but I read some sweet words today from Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts), whose blog is like a balm for my soul (aholyexperience.com). She writes, "And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence- and He withholds no good thing from us because life's good things aren't ever things." Not my plans, but His presence. Ultimately what I want is more God, and as Ann wrote today, more God is always available.
To close, a quote from Michael Yaconelli (Dangerous Wonder): "I wonder how many times a day our Father tries to get our attention, tries to quiet us long enough so we can hear His whisper. Many of us grew up believing that every time Jesus is close to us, He wants us to do something: read your Bible more, pray more, share your faith more, go to church more. How would it change your view of Jesus if you believed He doesn't want You to do anything- He just wants to be close to you?"
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Another birthday
Well, I turned 46 yesterday. Yep, on the downhill to 50, which makes me feel old (no offense to any 50 year olds- I'm right behind you). And yet, I have eternity with the Lord, so when I look at it that way, I'm just a baby, right? Over birthday cake and presents, my husband asked me what my goals were for the next year of my life. Good question...worth some thought. Here's my list:
1). I know that I want to be changed. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit and thus so supernaturally different, that I will only make sense if you explain me with God.
2). I want to learn to pray, to really pray. To just sit for an hour in the Lord's presence and not feel rushed or distracted.
3). I want to wake up everyday and ask what God would have me do and then do it.
4). I want to go on a mission trip, but I want it to be one where I can be exposed to true poverty. I know that sounds strange, but I need to see poverty and experience it, and I need to do something about it.
5). I want to be more focused on my family- not doing more, but just being with them, instead of doing for them- to look in their eyes and listen to whatever they want to talk about, and laugh long with them.
6). I want to not want- at least nothing but what God wants.
I know this may all sound so spiritual, but the truth is that I should already be here to some degree. I have been a Christian for so long and yet I'm so unchanged. Oh I'm different than I was when I became a Christian. I was a broken girl from a broken family. I didn't love myself and didn't think anyone else could either. I felt such a longing for God but didn't know where to find Him. But God found me, and I 've never been the same. However, I feel that there is still a long way to go. I sense that this growth is going to take some effort on my part, that I 'll need to leave the comfortable groove of Christian living that I've found myself in. Things have become too familiar, too taken for granted, like a marriage that's evolved into a roommate relationship. I need to be filled and directed by the Holy Spirit in such a way that I know I am giving it all I have, that I am laying it all out there to be used of God. Can I do this at 46, as opposed to the other years of my life? Not if depends on me. Good thing it doesn't.
1). I know that I want to be changed. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit and thus so supernaturally different, that I will only make sense if you explain me with God.
2). I want to learn to pray, to really pray. To just sit for an hour in the Lord's presence and not feel rushed or distracted.
3). I want to wake up everyday and ask what God would have me do and then do it.
4). I want to go on a mission trip, but I want it to be one where I can be exposed to true poverty. I know that sounds strange, but I need to see poverty and experience it, and I need to do something about it.
5). I want to be more focused on my family- not doing more, but just being with them, instead of doing for them- to look in their eyes and listen to whatever they want to talk about, and laugh long with them.
6). I want to not want- at least nothing but what God wants.
I know this may all sound so spiritual, but the truth is that I should already be here to some degree. I have been a Christian for so long and yet I'm so unchanged. Oh I'm different than I was when I became a Christian. I was a broken girl from a broken family. I didn't love myself and didn't think anyone else could either. I felt such a longing for God but didn't know where to find Him. But God found me, and I 've never been the same. However, I feel that there is still a long way to go. I sense that this growth is going to take some effort on my part, that I 'll need to leave the comfortable groove of Christian living that I've found myself in. Things have become too familiar, too taken for granted, like a marriage that's evolved into a roommate relationship. I need to be filled and directed by the Holy Spirit in such a way that I know I am giving it all I have, that I am laying it all out there to be used of God. Can I do this at 46, as opposed to the other years of my life? Not if depends on me. Good thing it doesn't.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The small cost of Compassion
I volunteered at the Compassion International table at a conference yesterday. My first job was to pass out packets to every person entering the worship center. Each packet had a picture of an adorable child (I kept thinking, "isn't every child God made just so beautiful") and information about them and their country. I stood there holding twenty packets, looking at piles more waiting to be passed. I was holding the lives of children in my hands. Hurried and preoccupied people walked right past me and my packets, until I held one out for them to take. I kept wondering about all those lives. If all the children were standing right there, hundreds of them, we couldn't ignore them. But all I had were packets and cute photographs that didn't always get looked at. Most of the packets were returned during my shift, with only about five people actually choosing to sponsor a child. Almost all of those five people were already sponsoring one child, or two or three, and just had to sponsor one more. Is that why Jesus said that those with much would be given more? Does being generous just make us more generous?
I know that many people can't afford to sponsor a child. They are already on a tight budget. Some are already making sacrifices so they can stay in a job where they feel called but don't get paid much, or living on one paycheck so mom can stay home. And others have committed their resources to other ministries and kingdom purposes. But I keep thinking, what about the rest of us? What are we spending our money on? Starbucks and cable tv? Cell phones and Sirius radio? Clothes and expensive salons?
Compassion brought a speaker to the event, a man who was sponsored as a child. Owen was one of three starving children belonging to a single mom in Africa. He used to beg for food or eat what he could scavange from the garbage dump. He felt worthless and alone. He wondered why God hated him. Then he got a sponsor. He found out about God's great love for him and he became a Christian. He had a full stomach and could go to school. Owen went on to college and just completed his master's degree. He is now studying to become a CPA. Did I mention that he sponsors four children? The circle is complete. He got married about a year ago and guess who was his best man? His compassion sponsor.
I wish people understood how a child's life is completely changed when they have a sponsor. I wish I would think about it more. Maybe the stuff of this life wouldn't feel so important if I thought about a child eating from the garbage dump. How many cell minutes would I have to give up, how many tv shows, how many diet cokes, to give a child a chance to live. Little faces in a packet with real hurting stomachs and no future ahead of them...can I see them? Can I choose to give them life?
I know that many people can't afford to sponsor a child. They are already on a tight budget. Some are already making sacrifices so they can stay in a job where they feel called but don't get paid much, or living on one paycheck so mom can stay home. And others have committed their resources to other ministries and kingdom purposes. But I keep thinking, what about the rest of us? What are we spending our money on? Starbucks and cable tv? Cell phones and Sirius radio? Clothes and expensive salons?
Compassion brought a speaker to the event, a man who was sponsored as a child. Owen was one of three starving children belonging to a single mom in Africa. He used to beg for food or eat what he could scavange from the garbage dump. He felt worthless and alone. He wondered why God hated him. Then he got a sponsor. He found out about God's great love for him and he became a Christian. He had a full stomach and could go to school. Owen went on to college and just completed his master's degree. He is now studying to become a CPA. Did I mention that he sponsors four children? The circle is complete. He got married about a year ago and guess who was his best man? His compassion sponsor.
I wish people understood how a child's life is completely changed when they have a sponsor. I wish I would think about it more. Maybe the stuff of this life wouldn't feel so important if I thought about a child eating from the garbage dump. How many cell minutes would I have to give up, how many tv shows, how many diet cokes, to give a child a chance to live. Little faces in a packet with real hurting stomachs and no future ahead of them...can I see them? Can I choose to give them life?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
About That Blog Name...
When I was a little girl, my grandparents would often pick me up for a visit. I would climb into the back of their car and plop my grandpa's construction hard hat on my head. Then I would hang over the front seat and chatter non-stop the entire way to their home. My grandpa nicknamed me the "windjammer" because of my incessant talking. A windjammer, it turns out, is a sailing ship. Not sure why he chose that name, but I'm guessing it's because I provided a strong enough gale to power any sailboat. So, since I'll be doing all the "talking" on this blog, I thought The Windjammer would be the perfect name.
It's funny to think that I was ever a chatterbox. People often refer to me nowadays, as "quiet". I haven't always liked it when people have called me quiet. It seems like a nice way of saying that I am boring. And I'm sure I could work on being more fun. But honestly, I am still working on being quiet. I have had to work hard (and haven't gotten there yet) on being a good listener: to not dominate the conversation...to not give advice when it's not wanted... to not always give my opinion...to stay off my soapbox. And what of all those critical comments, insensitive remarks, and graceless responses that keep coming out of me? I could be a lot more quiet.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it,' " Isaiah 30:15 I hope to someday wear the kind of quiet that Isaiah speaks of in this verse. That would be the work of the Holy Spirit. That would be something to talk about.
It's funny to think that I was ever a chatterbox. People often refer to me nowadays, as "quiet". I haven't always liked it when people have called me quiet. It seems like a nice way of saying that I am boring. And I'm sure I could work on being more fun. But honestly, I am still working on being quiet. I have had to work hard (and haven't gotten there yet) on being a good listener: to not dominate the conversation...to not give advice when it's not wanted... to not always give my opinion...to stay off my soapbox. And what of all those critical comments, insensitive remarks, and graceless responses that keep coming out of me? I could be a lot more quiet.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it,' " Isaiah 30:15 I hope to someday wear the kind of quiet that Isaiah speaks of in this verse. That would be the work of the Holy Spirit. That would be something to talk about.
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