I feel it today, right now, this need to write... a need to wrap up my thoughts of 2012, even though it's not yet Christmas. I began the year feeling twisted in knots. I felt burdened by the things I felt God calling me to do- things that were not happening, nor could I see them in the future. I thought these ideas I had were from God, so why were they not coming into being? My life felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes (which didn't entirely fit). I began to realize that I was spending too much time and energy trying to figure it out and/or make it happen. So I decided to start 2012 with a blank slate. To let God write the story He wanted, since I seemed to have gotten it all wrong, or maybe I had just hijacked His plan and ran with it (like Abraham, who heard God's plan for a child, and then decided to make it happen by sleeping with his wife's handmaiden).
We have a tradition of writing out a gift for Jesus each year, a sort of New Year's resolution, with the goal of doing something for God in the upcoming year. We fold up these pieces of our heart and place them in the Jesus stocking until the next year. Here is what I wrote last December:
"Here is my blank slate... for 2012, each day, I want to give You a blank slate that You will fill in. For too long I have stewed and fretted or not even thought about (one extreme or the other) what You would want me to do. I lay down my plans, hopes, dreams, fears, whatever I want or don't want. Please cause me to obey You, no matter what... to hear Your voice and Your leading...to love You wholeheartedly and to completely follow Your way of truth. Please God, make it so. I love you! Happy Birthday! Love, Cindy"
This plan of having a blank slate ended up being a painful one, a ripping process that has yet to be mended. I am still not sure what God is going to write on my slate, but this last year has definitely been about wiping the old one clean. I find myself slightly discouraged by it all, but I read some sweet words today from Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts), whose blog is like a balm for my soul (aholyexperience.com). She writes, "And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence- and He withholds no good thing from us because life's good things aren't ever things." Not my plans, but His presence. Ultimately what I want is more God, and as Ann wrote today, more God is always available.
To close, a quote from Michael Yaconelli (Dangerous Wonder): "I wonder how many times a day our Father tries to get our attention, tries to quiet us long enough so we can hear His whisper. Many of us grew up believing that every time Jesus is close to us, He wants us to do something: read your Bible more, pray more, share your faith more, go to church more. How would it change your view of Jesus if you believed He doesn't want You to do anything- He just wants to be close to you?"
Monday, December 10, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Another birthday
Well, I turned 46 yesterday. Yep, on the downhill to 50, which makes me feel old (no offense to any 50 year olds- I'm right behind you). And yet, I have eternity with the Lord, so when I look at it that way, I'm just a baby, right? Over birthday cake and presents, my husband asked me what my goals were for the next year of my life. Good question...worth some thought. Here's my list:
1). I know that I want to be changed. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit and thus so supernaturally different, that I will only make sense if you explain me with God.
2). I want to learn to pray, to really pray. To just sit for an hour in the Lord's presence and not feel rushed or distracted.
3). I want to wake up everyday and ask what God would have me do and then do it.
4). I want to go on a mission trip, but I want it to be one where I can be exposed to true poverty. I know that sounds strange, but I need to see poverty and experience it, and I need to do something about it.
5). I want to be more focused on my family- not doing more, but just being with them, instead of doing for them- to look in their eyes and listen to whatever they want to talk about, and laugh long with them.
6). I want to not want- at least nothing but what God wants.
I know this may all sound so spiritual, but the truth is that I should already be here to some degree. I have been a Christian for so long and yet I'm so unchanged. Oh I'm different than I was when I became a Christian. I was a broken girl from a broken family. I didn't love myself and didn't think anyone else could either. I felt such a longing for God but didn't know where to find Him. But God found me, and I 've never been the same. However, I feel that there is still a long way to go. I sense that this growth is going to take some effort on my part, that I 'll need to leave the comfortable groove of Christian living that I've found myself in. Things have become too familiar, too taken for granted, like a marriage that's evolved into a roommate relationship. I need to be filled and directed by the Holy Spirit in such a way that I know I am giving it all I have, that I am laying it all out there to be used of God. Can I do this at 46, as opposed to the other years of my life? Not if depends on me. Good thing it doesn't.
1). I know that I want to be changed. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit and thus so supernaturally different, that I will only make sense if you explain me with God.
2). I want to learn to pray, to really pray. To just sit for an hour in the Lord's presence and not feel rushed or distracted.
3). I want to wake up everyday and ask what God would have me do and then do it.
4). I want to go on a mission trip, but I want it to be one where I can be exposed to true poverty. I know that sounds strange, but I need to see poverty and experience it, and I need to do something about it.
5). I want to be more focused on my family- not doing more, but just being with them, instead of doing for them- to look in their eyes and listen to whatever they want to talk about, and laugh long with them.
6). I want to not want- at least nothing but what God wants.
I know this may all sound so spiritual, but the truth is that I should already be here to some degree. I have been a Christian for so long and yet I'm so unchanged. Oh I'm different than I was when I became a Christian. I was a broken girl from a broken family. I didn't love myself and didn't think anyone else could either. I felt such a longing for God but didn't know where to find Him. But God found me, and I 've never been the same. However, I feel that there is still a long way to go. I sense that this growth is going to take some effort on my part, that I 'll need to leave the comfortable groove of Christian living that I've found myself in. Things have become too familiar, too taken for granted, like a marriage that's evolved into a roommate relationship. I need to be filled and directed by the Holy Spirit in such a way that I know I am giving it all I have, that I am laying it all out there to be used of God. Can I do this at 46, as opposed to the other years of my life? Not if depends on me. Good thing it doesn't.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The small cost of Compassion
I volunteered at the Compassion International table at a conference yesterday. My first job was to pass out packets to every person entering the worship center. Each packet had a picture of an adorable child (I kept thinking, "isn't every child God made just so beautiful") and information about them and their country. I stood there holding twenty packets, looking at piles more waiting to be passed. I was holding the lives of children in my hands. Hurried and preoccupied people walked right past me and my packets, until I held one out for them to take. I kept wondering about all those lives. If all the children were standing right there, hundreds of them, we couldn't ignore them. But all I had were packets and cute photographs that didn't always get looked at. Most of the packets were returned during my shift, with only about five people actually choosing to sponsor a child. Almost all of those five people were already sponsoring one child, or two or three, and just had to sponsor one more. Is that why Jesus said that those with much would be given more? Does being generous just make us more generous?
I know that many people can't afford to sponsor a child. They are already on a tight budget. Some are already making sacrifices so they can stay in a job where they feel called but don't get paid much, or living on one paycheck so mom can stay home. And others have committed their resources to other ministries and kingdom purposes. But I keep thinking, what about the rest of us? What are we spending our money on? Starbucks and cable tv? Cell phones and Sirius radio? Clothes and expensive salons?
Compassion brought a speaker to the event, a man who was sponsored as a child. Owen was one of three starving children belonging to a single mom in Africa. He used to beg for food or eat what he could scavange from the garbage dump. He felt worthless and alone. He wondered why God hated him. Then he got a sponsor. He found out about God's great love for him and he became a Christian. He had a full stomach and could go to school. Owen went on to college and just completed his master's degree. He is now studying to become a CPA. Did I mention that he sponsors four children? The circle is complete. He got married about a year ago and guess who was his best man? His compassion sponsor.
I wish people understood how a child's life is completely changed when they have a sponsor. I wish I would think about it more. Maybe the stuff of this life wouldn't feel so important if I thought about a child eating from the garbage dump. How many cell minutes would I have to give up, how many tv shows, how many diet cokes, to give a child a chance to live. Little faces in a packet with real hurting stomachs and no future ahead of them...can I see them? Can I choose to give them life?
I know that many people can't afford to sponsor a child. They are already on a tight budget. Some are already making sacrifices so they can stay in a job where they feel called but don't get paid much, or living on one paycheck so mom can stay home. And others have committed their resources to other ministries and kingdom purposes. But I keep thinking, what about the rest of us? What are we spending our money on? Starbucks and cable tv? Cell phones and Sirius radio? Clothes and expensive salons?
Compassion brought a speaker to the event, a man who was sponsored as a child. Owen was one of three starving children belonging to a single mom in Africa. He used to beg for food or eat what he could scavange from the garbage dump. He felt worthless and alone. He wondered why God hated him. Then he got a sponsor. He found out about God's great love for him and he became a Christian. He had a full stomach and could go to school. Owen went on to college and just completed his master's degree. He is now studying to become a CPA. Did I mention that he sponsors four children? The circle is complete. He got married about a year ago and guess who was his best man? His compassion sponsor.
I wish people understood how a child's life is completely changed when they have a sponsor. I wish I would think about it more. Maybe the stuff of this life wouldn't feel so important if I thought about a child eating from the garbage dump. How many cell minutes would I have to give up, how many tv shows, how many diet cokes, to give a child a chance to live. Little faces in a packet with real hurting stomachs and no future ahead of them...can I see them? Can I choose to give them life?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
About That Blog Name...
When I was a little girl, my grandparents would often pick me up for a visit. I would climb into the back of their car and plop my grandpa's construction hard hat on my head. Then I would hang over the front seat and chatter non-stop the entire way to their home. My grandpa nicknamed me the "windjammer" because of my incessant talking. A windjammer, it turns out, is a sailing ship. Not sure why he chose that name, but I'm guessing it's because I provided a strong enough gale to power any sailboat. So, since I'll be doing all the "talking" on this blog, I thought The Windjammer would be the perfect name.
It's funny to think that I was ever a chatterbox. People often refer to me nowadays, as "quiet". I haven't always liked it when people have called me quiet. It seems like a nice way of saying that I am boring. And I'm sure I could work on being more fun. But honestly, I am still working on being quiet. I have had to work hard (and haven't gotten there yet) on being a good listener: to not dominate the conversation...to not give advice when it's not wanted... to not always give my opinion...to stay off my soapbox. And what of all those critical comments, insensitive remarks, and graceless responses that keep coming out of me? I could be a lot more quiet.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it,' " Isaiah 30:15 I hope to someday wear the kind of quiet that Isaiah speaks of in this verse. That would be the work of the Holy Spirit. That would be something to talk about.
It's funny to think that I was ever a chatterbox. People often refer to me nowadays, as "quiet". I haven't always liked it when people have called me quiet. It seems like a nice way of saying that I am boring. And I'm sure I could work on being more fun. But honestly, I am still working on being quiet. I have had to work hard (and haven't gotten there yet) on being a good listener: to not dominate the conversation...to not give advice when it's not wanted... to not always give my opinion...to stay off my soapbox. And what of all those critical comments, insensitive remarks, and graceless responses that keep coming out of me? I could be a lot more quiet.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it,' " Isaiah 30:15 I hope to someday wear the kind of quiet that Isaiah speaks of in this verse. That would be the work of the Holy Spirit. That would be something to talk about.
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